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It’s funny. When I slow down, I feel more calm, centered, grounded, more in tune with myself and others around me. And yet why is it I find myself so often sped up?

I want to become a better listener, yet why is it not happening?

Why do we find it hard to actually make the change that we say that we want?

A big part of this is we aren’t see the problem fully. We imagine it to be a technical problem that just needs a technical fix.

Need to lose weight? Just eat less! Exercise more! .. And yet something like 90% of people who attempt to lose weight gain 107% of it back.

What we are up against with these sticky problems are what has been termed ”adaptive challenges”.. They aren’t an easy fix or we would have fixed them a long time ago.

Even addressing climate change or any of the UN’s Sustainable Development goals – while there may be some pieces that involve technical problems/issues/fixes.. on the whole they are adaptive challenges.*

The difference is that adaptive challenges require us to adapt, learn, grow, develop and become better versions of our selves.

According to Harvard’s Ron Heifitz, “The single biggest failure of leadership is treating adaptive challenges like technical problems.” In essence, not seeing the problem correctly.

Another piece of why we are not seeing the change we want is that we are often trying to solve things alone. We need each other.

And often we don’t go there together, because we don’t want to risk vulnerability, feel shame, and show others our fears, and ways we are stuck.

We need safe, supportive containers to explore the hidden fears and beliefs that are keeping us stuck.

Well here’s some good news. Or at least I think it is… I am facilitating a course (you could call it a learning experience) this October on a process developed by Harvard’s Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey called Immunity to Change™.

I delight in being very intentional about creating a safe, supportive learning container for participants. This enables openness and learning to go deeper. In addition, I’ve added elements to the course (since running cohort #1 this past May) to support the integration of the learning and enabling the transformation to be sustainable.

If you are curious, check out the course webpage here,

NOTE – Super Early Bird rates are good until Sept 9.

“As an executive coach, I was introduced to Immunity to Change years ago, and it felt interesting but it didn’t really come to life for me in a compelling way. In David’s course, the concepts, tools and practices did finally come to life for me in ways that were both fun and light hearted as well as deep and significant. I highly recommend it!”

– course participant from May 2022 Cohort

Notes:

*The UN has launched Inner Development Goals – as they have realized that the sustainable development goals are actually adaptive challenges… Who do we need to be and become in order to do what we want to do?

We become ourselves in each other’s presence.

I’m going to say that again and I invite you to

really slow down and let this sink in…

We become ourselves

in each other’s presence.

What happens then in a world such as ours when we are so sped up that we are not slowing down to be present to each other?

I dare say – we do not fully become ourselves.

Earlier this summer I attended the Global Forum on Transforming Self and Society – sponsored by the Presencing Institute (founded in 2006 by Otto Scharmer and colleagues at MIT).

One of the breakout sessions was called a Compassion Circle. After reading the description I felt drawn to attend. I had such a powerful experience that first time, that I have attended the monthly gathering twice since then.

Founded by Sergio Michel (from Mexico) and hosted by Bianca Briciu (from Ottawa, Canada) the compassion circle offers participants a space to experience a different way of being for 90 minutes; a different way of being from our often over-analytical, sped-up, not-present-to-each-other mode. (Note – What a gift our analytical minds are, and even our ability to speed up. The problem is when this mode dominates so much of the time. What are we missing out on? (And let’s be honest we are always missing out. COMO = Certainty of Missing Out))

The group starts with Bianca warmly welcoming everyone – and any new people – to this time and explaining what to expect in our time together. And then she hands it over to someone (this morning it was Alisa from Germany) who leads us in a centering practice, basically helping us to slow down and be present to our breath and body, which then in turn allows us at a much deeper level to be present to each other.

And then the heart of the compassion circle involves someone sharing a story of something that happened to them that has some emotional salience. This could be sadness, anxiety, or also joy, or ecstasy. As Sergio says, “Paint us a picture of the scene.’’ And we all listen attentively.

(If you’d like, dear reader, bring to mind what you might share if you were in this circle with us right now.)

Then the person who just shared their story will ask someone to “offer them a gift of listening.” Let’s say you just shared and then asked me to offer you this gift of listening. I would then simply repeat back to you what I heard from you as I listened with compassion. And then others can offer other things that they noticed, heard, witnessed. It’s that simple. And yet quite powerful. (And just like explaining a dance, this explanation doesn’t do it justice, as much as experiencing it firsthand.)

How often do we have a space where we can be heard and witnessed without being judged, fixed? How often are you given ample spaciousness to be honest with yourself and your experience, and experience being witnessed? And how often do you get to witness this happen with others? My guess is that for most people it’s all too rare.

I’m amazed by a couple things. First, how powerful this simple exercise is. This reminds me of a favorite quote of mine from Dr. Gabor Mate. “Safety is not just the absence of a threat, but also the presence of connection.” What we are creating in our circle is a deep visceral sense of safety. And I don’t know about you, but we are living in times where conscious or nonconscious I would easily argue that our sense of safety has been lessened as so many major institutions and our planet are falling apart. So to feel the presence of deep connection is so important. Because when we experience a holistic sense of safety, we are more free to live, grow, dream, imagine, collaborate.

And secondly, I’m amazed by how time seems to slow down when we get real with each other and are witnessed. This reminds me of a quote I heard from my friend/colleague Bridget Mullins, “There is always time for the conversation we need to have.’’ I have found that when I am NOT doing what is a priority task for me, my body knows it and there is low level stress. When have focused my time and energy to be present to what is truly important to me, I have a sense of spaciousness in time.

So Why are Compassion Circles important? You may be saying that’s great for you David that you are feeling all these warm fuzzies. But c’mon let’s get practical! We’ve got so many complex issues before us in our world.

I would argue that this practice – and those similar – are foundational to the work we have before us as we face the crises of our time.

At least three key things are occurring.

First, we get connected with ourselves in a fuller way – not just living in our analytical minds, but also bringing our emotional body back online. We are bringing more of our wisdom into the room. Integrating what has likely been fragmented and cut off.

Secondly, because we are connecting with our fuller, deeper selves and have a safe space for dialogue (and being seen and heard and supported), this enables us to have a much richer fuller connection with each other. We are truly connecting with each other’s humanity.

And both of these things lay the foundation for any kind of collaboration that is so essential in our times. Gone are the days when we think a lone ranger genius will solve our ills. We need each other; we need collaboration.

What is made possible when we connect more deeply with ourselves and each other – from places of the heart and mind?

And how might you offer someone the gift of listening today?

Furthermore, how might you make a regular practice of offering the gift of listening?

And finally, how might you create a container of safety where people can regularly open up and be seen and heard? What connectedness might result? And what collaboration might be possible when we are more fully connected?

Let’s find out.

p.s.

Three meaningful learning/development opportunities I’m happy to invite you into

1 – FREE Workshop – Sept 23 – entitled Let’s Face it Together – designed and facilitated by Bridget Mullins and myself. Register for this Free Workshop HERE

2 – My Unlocking Your Potential: Immunity to Change™ course is back this October! Super Early Bird ends tomorrow – Friday Sept 9! Find out more and Register HERE.

3 – If you happen to be local in Bellingham, and are interested in talking about a local compassion circle(s), please contact me at david@bepresentdiscoverjoy.com